ROANOKE RAPIDS — The United States Postal Service (USPS) wants everyone to know they have postal boxes available to ship anything you wish to your loved ones, as long as it’s under 70 pounds, for one flat rate.

Roger Bell | The Daily Herald Ready for shipment — both boxes are nearly as stuffed as many people will be Thanksgiving Day, but only the loved ones receiving the large box will get marshmallows on their yams and dessert in their bellies. The medium box does yeoman’s work but can’t hold the full meal for the holidays — and you can forget about beverages. Advertisement

They offer a variety of sizes and the price for shipping ranges from $4.95 to $13.95.

The USPS literature even suggests you can send dinner to a loved one in one of their boxes. But can you, really?

The mission: Put holiday dinner into a postal service flat rate shipping box, preferably enough to feed at least two people. Beverages not included.

With the help of The Roanoke Avenue Food Lion Store Manager Elvin Queen, I set about the task of accomplishing the mission. I had two flat-rate boxes — thanks to the men and women at the Roanoke Avenue Post Office. They have their dimensions but why bore you with those — they are the medium Flat Rate Box and the large Flat Rate Box. Both are free and easily obtainable from the good folks at the USPS.

Naturally the first thought when considering dinner — turkey. Tragically, our first thought became our first failure, as neither myself nor Mr. Queen could find a turkey we could stuff into either box and have it close. There was no question of putting anything else in the box, since the turkey itself wouldn’t fit.

The compromise: Turkey breast. Six pounders in each box seemed sufficient, so even if our loved ones at the other end of the shipments won’t get stuffed to misery, they would at least get a taste of traditional poultry.

Queen suggested canned gravy for the turkey breast, since jars of turkey could break during shipment. For the sake of our mission, we’re ignoring the fact we really couldn’t ship the turkey breast without cold packs and other precautions. Two 10.5 oz cans of turkey gravy and one 6 oz box of turkey stuffing present little trouble for each box. Possibilities shine for our hypothetical loved ones.

The next hiccup comes when we try to get potatoes involved in the enterprise. Putting bulky raw potatoes in the box seems farcical, but even boxes of instant potatoes don’t work at all. If only closing the box weren’t such a priority. However, hope again springs eternal when Queen and I find the packets of instant potatoes — creamy butter added — and easily find them places in their new cardboard homes, two packets of 3.3 oz. in each box.

Our hypothetical loved ones will have to settle for one 14-ounce can of cranberry sauce in each box, but really, who needs much more than that? However, the smaller box will not accommodate the 40-ounce can of yams finding its place in the big box. Nobody’s having a yamless Thanksgiving dinner on my watch — the medium box takes a 15-ounce can without complaining.

The loved ones getting the big box will have a merrier time, however, because they’re getting marshmallows on their yams. The smaller box won’t take them — so there isn’t always room for marshmallows after all.

Dessert presents issues all its own. Attempts to stuff full-size Food Lion pies into the boxes meet with mocking laughter; the smaller box won’t take even the 4-ounce pies for which I settle. The big box accommodates the pies with ease; the loved ones there will be getting their cherry fix. The smaller box is woefully full.

Both boxes close, which means both are ready to ship. Now, will both come in under the weight limit?

Resoundingly, yes. The medium box comes in at 11.09 pounds, well under the 70-pound limit. The large box weighs only 14.39 pounds. I wonder just how anyone could possibly approach 70 pounds when sending food packages, but decide it’s best not to think about such things.

Was the mission accomplished? It depends on what your definition of “accomplished” is. The loved ones getting the smaller box will have nearly a whole dinner — turkey, gravy, potatoes, yams, cranberry sauce, stuffing. The loved ones getting the larger box, though, will feel much more loved and probably hold it over the other group while they enjoy their yams covered in marshmallows and their cherry pies.

The conclusion, if you really do have to send holiday dinner to a loved one, the best course of action is to get the larger flat rate box. See your local post office for shipping details, and Happy Thanksgiving to all.